The Dread Contagion of Moronicity.

Readers herein will note that one of the taglines of this blog is that it’s The Official Home of the “I Am A Moron” Project.

Why? Well, by any practical measure, buying a 20-year-old car to use as a daily driver, even if it IS a Volvo, is probably not the smartest thing to do. Nor is it really all that wise to ladle great affection on said car.

But hey, it’s fun--you know, if you have a loose screw or two.

Now, it’s pretty plain that the moron disease for old iron is dangerous, and it can wind up infecting everyone around you. Particularly pernicious are people like me.

Yep--I’m a moron disease vector. And I have managed to infect someone else with the fever.

I have a friend here in town whom I call in various blogposts My Friend Jeff™. If you check back through the archives from when I first started posting, I occasionally refer to him--we used to work together and have kept in touch after going to our new jobs. Mainly because he’s a car guy, too, and has a nice mean streak to him, and his wife is cute. We’ll get together every month or so and swap car magazines and eat lunch, and a couple of weeks ago I passed along a stack of magazines that had a copy of the new Hemmings Sports and Exotic Car, and that issue just happened to contain an article about the Volvo P1800.

Apparently this article, along with the constant exposure to the Moron Virus through my showing off the new junkyard finds I have attached to Järn, caused My Friend Jeff to develop a terribly wicked case of Moronicus vulgaris. What makes it even funnier--at least to me--is that he’s never even mentioned Volvos, old or new, as one of the cars he’d like to have. There have been various early-‘70s Cutlass Supremes (like he had in high school) he’s lusted after, and some Bimmers, and a few other things he’d say would be neat to fix up, but never anything from Göteborg.

SO, imagine my surprise yesterday morning when the following e-mail message popped up on my screen:

COOOOLLL!!! I want this!

For those reading after the link dies, it’s a link to an Ebay auction of an okay-looking ’67 P1800. It was very weird for him to come up with, but after a minute or two of furious e-mail exchanges, it became quite clear to me that he was not joking, but had The Sickness.

Anyway, what follows is probably the stupidest e-mail exchanges you will likely ever read, so if you want to bail out, that’s fine, but if you want the fullest viewing of what it means to be Morons In Action, keep on reading. (Obviously, J is for Jeff, and T is for Me.)

T-- They really are pretty neat-looking cars. You know “The Saint” drove one on the teevee.

J-- I was reading about them last night in one of the magazines I got from you. WAAAAYYYYY cool. I wish I had your mechanical abilities. That would make having one of those a little more practical. Do you think one of those would make a okay daily driver? I like the dashboard. I’ll bet it drives like a truck though.

T-- Yes, they make pretty good daily drivers--parts are relatively easy to come by, and they’re mechanically simple. Driving is probably no better or worse than any other mid-60s coupe. You know, the guy who owns the world’s record for miles driven did it in a P1800. His name’s Irv Gordon, and he’s got over 2.3 million miles on the same car.

J-- Cool! I like the coupe better than the sport wagon – but the wagon is kinda cool. I have always liked the Bertone coupes too.

T-- They’re okay, too, but I always like the 1800 better. The 240 Bertones were really sorta homely.

J-- They just look so Euro-80s to me. I just always thought they were kinda pretty. Weird interior. 1800s are just classic and cool, no doubt about it. So are 240s of course.

T-- Of course! Although, if I really get energetic, and one of the kids winds up with the 240, I would really like to have an old 122 Amazon. They look a bit like a mid-50s Alfa-Romeo sedan.

J-- I like that one. My uncle was big into Volvos. He had one like this when I was a kid. Of course, he’s DEAD now!!! It was a clunky old Volvo. Kinda cool lookin’. Not as cool as an 1800, however.

T-- No, I agree with you on that--but for us upstanding family men, sometimes we have to balance practicality with style.

J-- Is that the because you have 4 kids and I only have 3? Yours still couldn’t all fit in an Amazon. Where’d that name come from anyway?

T-- “Yes,” on your question, and “I know, but don’t care,” on your statement. The Amazon was named that because the factory is in Brazil alongside a tributary of the Amazon.

J-- Well strip my gears and call me shiftless. You learn something new everyday.

T-- And did you know the Bertone was actually designed by a guy named Bert One?

J-- You’re joshin’ me, aincha?

T-- No, he was a second generation Japanese-American who had been a member of a Nisei combat team in Italy during WWII (100th Battalion, 442nd Infantry). After the war, he went back to Italy and began his own industrial design company.

J-- Yawn…that was so boring, I couldn’t read it. However, I did skim it and never saw a reference to Bert One.

T-- Oh, well, that’s because I was just talking about his unit. He was in charge of the motor pool, but he’s not mentioned in the article.

J-- How convenient.

T-- Did you know that Pininfarina also used to be two names? Sergio Pinin Farina was the guy’s name.

J-- Of course I did. Did you know it was really a guy named Chev Rolet who started General Motors?

T-- Did you know there really is a Chef Hector Boiardi who was the model for Chef Boyardee?

J--Wow!

T--Hang around with me long enough, and you’ll get all smart like.

J--If it hasn’t happened in 16 years, it probably ain’t gonna happen.

Yep, I guess so.

ANYway, “Viva Old Volvos,” and their power to infect perfectly sane persons with terrible mental calamity!

And a big "Thank you"...

...to Volvo Cars US for showing up over in the Google Ads bar! I was hoping that more Volvo-related ads would start showing up there, and I'm glad to see I was right.

If you get a chance, if you see something in the ads you'd like more information about, please click over and see what there is to see. So far, I've made almost four whole bucks from these ads, which will almost pay for several of the smaller pieces of stuff I've picked up at Pull-A-Part! So, thanks to our advertisers!

AND REMEMBER, there's all kinds of Revolvoblog paraphenalia at the CafePress store, some of which is actually kinda neat, if I do say so myself. Of course, you DO have to buy it, but think of how happy my car will be!

Despite the fact that I didn't lift a single finger to work on the car this weekend...

...I STILL HAVE BLOG POST MATERIAL! Whether you like it or not! But I feel as though I must burden you, so buckle up.

FIRST UP, the one thing no one wants to read a blog for--DREAMS! But, doggone it, it was the first dream I've had in which my old hunk of iron was the chief protagonist, and it was quite pleasant as well, so here goes:

It was a lovely crisp morning, and I was driving my lovely crisp Volvo somewhere. I wasn't quite sure where, but I did make sure I had my pillow laid up beside my head so I could sleep and drive. I drove along and it occurred to me that I was supposed to be meeting a man at a small restaurant, and it was located over close to East Lake Park here in Birmingham. East Lake is a pretty older neighborhood that has fallen on some hard times of late, but the lake is still nice. (This is what it looked like back around the turn of the 20th century.) But the place in my dream wasn't that--it was like driving beside Lake Como in Italy--beautiful mountains surrounding it, with a crystaline blue lake, and just as I came around a bend in the road, there were huge stands of tall trees with their leaves full of golden fall colors. I thought to myself, "Wow--East Lake really looks NICE this time of year!" I drove on down the road beside the lake and laid down on the passenger seat while the car kept going and I just looked up through the windshield at all the pretty trees. When I got to the restaurant, I pulled up in the gravel parking lot and put my pillows in the backseat so the guy could get in. We drove around for just a bit and then I took him back to his car and that was it. I never really knew why I was there, or why I was meeting him, and we didn't really talk about too much, although I did show him my 200,000 mile badge on the grille. And the restaurant was a real dump, by the way. Didn't even have a paved parking lot.

See!? Now don't you feel all warm and Volvoey all over!? Well, maybe not.

ANYway, the other non-newsworthy news of the weekend was oil changing. After morning worship on Sunday, I went off with Boy to see about getting the oil changed in the Honda. Nobody open except Wally-World, and there was a line of six cars. At ten minutes per car, multiplied by the Wal-Mart Moron Factor, that would mean we wouldn't be able to get out of there until around midnight, so we just went on back home. With a stop off at Advance. I have decided that while I don't mind letting others change the oil in the Odyssey and the Focus (being that their filters are inaccessible), I will be changing the oil in good old lovable Järn myself. The filter is right there in the open the way it should be, and since I have my own supply of factory filters, I don't like the idea of paying someone else to change it but not getting a discount for having my own filter. They charge you the same no matter what, which offends my parsimonious nature.

Back when I used to work on cars, there was no such thing as recycling oil, but nowadays I think I would feel bad if I dumped it in my neighbor's backyard, so Boy and I got one of those nifty jugs you use to drain the old oil into, and a case of oil, and an air filter. "You wanna help me change the oil? You can learn about cars that way!"

"Uhh, no, Dad."

At least he was helpful in carrying stuff.

Next weekend will hopefully be more productive. It is my plan to FINALLY install the headlamps and get the oil changed all on Saturday.

Well, a boy can dream, can't he!?

Well, Volvos are pretty safe, but still...

Cops: Driver burned after he used lighter to check fuel

FROM NEWSDAY.COM

September 23, 2005, 11:51 AM EDT

An East Patchogue truck driver is in critical condition after he used a cigarette lighter to check the fuel level in his dump truck that burst into flames, Nassau police said.

Scott Allen, 38, of 290 Atlantic Ave., was driving a truck with a faulty fuel gauge and stopped to check the fuel level at the intersection of Peninsula Boulevard and Merrick Road in Lynbrook, police said. Allen decided to use the flame from a cigarette lighter to illuminate the tank. However, the lighter ignited fumes that engulfed the rest of the truck, police said.

The Lynbrook Fire Department extinguished the burning truck and Allen was taken to Nassau University Medical Center with second-degree burns to his face, chest and right arm. He is listed in critical condition.

The dump truck, a 2001 Volvo, is owned by Hawkeye Construction in Hauppauge. The fire happed just before 1 a.m. on Thursday.

...lighting a match around the fuel tank is a pretty obvious Bad Thing To Do.

Best wishes to Mr. Allen for a speedy recovery.

Wait--I thought all Swedish women were tall!

Volvo Convicted of Gender Discrimination

By MATTIAS KAREN, Associated Press Writer
Wed Sep 21,11:34 AM ET

STOCKHOLM, Sweden - A Swedish court on Wednesday convicted Volvo Cars of gender discrimination for denying a woman a job at its manufacturing plant because she was too short to work at the conveyor belt.

Sweden's Labor Court ordered Volvo to pay 40,000 kronor ($5,200) to the woman, who was not identified, saying the hiring policy constituted "indirect gender discrimination."

Volvo's hiring policy stated that for safety reasons, employees must be between 5 feet 4 inches and 6 feet 5 inches to work at the conveyor belt at its car manufacturing plant outside Goteborg. The woman only measured 5 feet 3 inches, said Equal Opportunity Ombudsman Claes Borgstrom, who sued Volvo on the woman's behalf.

The court ruled that that statistically, the height requirement excluded more women than men, and should therefore be considered as gender discrimination.

"The consequence (of the ruling) must be that Volvo cannot routinely continue to automatically exclude people who are shorter than 163 centimeters (5 feet 4 inches) from employment," Borgstrom said in a statement. "Instead, they will have to make an individual judgment of the applicants' physical conditions for the job, for example span of reach and muscle strength." [...]

But, if a job requires a certain level of muscle strength or span of reach, given the fact that overall, women aren't physically as strong, or as large, as men, wouldn't they be proportionally misrepresented as well using these measurements, even if done on an individual basis? And wouldn't this be the same sort of indirect gender discrimination as the height requirement? And just what IS the exact airspeed of an African swallow carrying a coconut?

Anyway, one wonders if Volvo will also get in trouble for this.

(Tip o'the hat to New York's own Skinnydan for the link to the top article.)

No zip ties! No nylon straps!

My battery dilemma solved itself!

I only THOUGHT my existing battery was the wrong size. In amongst all the efforts of cleaning house on Saturday, I sneaked out for a moment and in the daylight found that it was just not pushed all the way into position in the battery tray, and after maneuvering it all the way to the corner nearest the fender, the little clippy deal on the side of the tray popped on with absolutely no trouble at all, negating the need to resort to an ugly strap, or the downright dangerous idea of using zip ties, to hold it in place. I was quite happy! But not nearly so much as getting to spend two uninterrupted hours in the junkyard yesterday.

Managed to find four exterior side rubber window scrapers that were in good condition (believe it or not) and a front licence place bracket that wasn't bent, and four acorn nuts to go on it, and in the most odd thing, I picked up a couple of nice-looking rear roof trim pieces from an older model 244. The shiny type, with the black triangle. Why? I have no idea, other than I like the older type, and even though they are the wrong type for my car, I put them on yesterday anyway. Quite stylish! ::chuckle:: I also figured out that those rear rain gutter trim pieces are a bugger to get back into place. I still don't think I have them on right.

The most disappointing find was a CHMSL cover that was undamaged. I babied it all around the yard, but in a moment's inattention, managed to put my thumb right through the brittle black plastic. ::sigh:: Well, there's probably more out there somewhere.

Now then, if I can just get my lights and dashboard installed...

Slowly but surely...

Yet another weekend spent doing everything else but playing with the Volvo, which I don't suppose I should complain about, but will anyway. "Go with your strengths," you know.

ANYway, not a lot of time to do anything, but as I was in the process of changing out the battery in my wife's Focus, I figured I would swap out the battery tray in the Volvo while I was already dirty and covered with powdery acidic residue. The existing tray had rusted through, but it didn't appear anything down below it was damaged or corroded, and the inner fender panel was clean and rustfree. So, got out the speed handle, zipped the four bolts out, cleaned everything out, and popped the new old plastic tray back in place and wrenched it back down. Battery in, terminals attached, and--oh. Hmm. Seems the previous owner installed a slightly different sized battery, and the little hold-down clip won't hold anything down. This means a quick trip to the autoparts store for a nylon hold down strap to go over the battery and under the tray. Not the optimal solution, but it will work well enough for now, and doesn't look so out of place as zip ties, as some intrepid shade-tree mechanics have suggested in other forums that shall remain nameless. ::cough::Brickboard::cough::

Second thing to fix was actually a refix of something I had fixed before. In my various junkyard excursions, I have made a habit of picking up all the small windshield washer splitter valves I could find from any stray 7- or 9-series cars. They have a little diaphragm inside that keep the windshield washer fluid from draining back down into the resevoir, which is kinda nice. The 2-series didn't have them that I know of, so it's a nice convenience item. I got the idea to use the from the IPD catalog, where replacement valves sell for $5.50. Not including shipping. I figure pennies beats dollars any day of the week. Anyway, I had picked up a handful and put one of them on several weeks back when I was giving myself a heatstroke with the headrests. I inadvertantly let the supply hose scoot back into the hood space, and in my depleted mental state couldn't quite get it back through the holes, so I had just removed it and let it hang. Which is terrible looking. So Saturday before I got too dain bramaged with lawn-mowing chores, I reran the hose and pulled it through, and installed another valve I'd found. All the others I'd found were tee-shaped, but I found another one the other day that is lower-case-h-shaped like the one in the catalog. This is a better fit because the supply leg can fit up into the hood recess better and keep more slack in the rubber hose.

So, a couple more things off the list for now. Lights should be next, when I get a spare moment to mess with them. I doubt it will be this upcoming weekend, though.

Drat.

Well, it's not called Bimmerblog...

But I'll try to help anyway--I had a visitor yesterday who ran into this problem: my battery died in my 750il now my radio won't play.

Our intrepid querist found Revolvoblog because I had the same problem when we changed the battery in our Odyssey. As far as I can tell, most new car radios have this marvelously inconvenient feature that requires you to input a code number into the radio if it has ever been disconnected from a power source, ostensibly to keep someone from boosting it. There is supposed to be a place in your owner's manual or radio manual where this number is recorded and you can keep it in a safe place, but if you've purchased a used car this might not be available. I found our Honda's number quite by accident by catching a glimpse of a sticker on the inside of the glovebox, and figuring it wouldn't hurt to try it. If you can't find the number at all, I think about the only solution is to go to the dealer and have them figure it out, but look through your glovebox materials first.

If you anticipate unhooking the battery, a handy gadget to consider is one of these doo-lollies that feeds a small amount of 9V power back into the system through the cigarette lighter. It's kinda pricey at 16 bucks, but if you're handy it sure looks like you could make one yourself from stuff you already probably have taking up space in the spare parts box.

Anyway, there you go.

Yes, the Lump of Iron is still patiently waiting.

Sorry for no updates, but frankly there's not much I've been able to do to the beloved ol' box for having to clean the silly house. I AM ordering a can of the SEM vinyl paint/dye from IPD for the dashboard to get that squared away, but the headlight installation--and dash installation as well--are just going to have to wait a bit until some free time presents itself.

On the other hand, this site is now part of the Volvo Webring, so be sure to click on the link over in the sidebar or down at the very bottom of the page (sorry about that Webring Guys, but I can't make your graphic any smaller so that it fits in the required space) and also I signed up for the Yahoo! Volvo Owner's Group mail list (also linked over on the right).

As a reminder, be sure if you see something in the Advertiser's section that strikes your fancy, click on it and see what you think--every click buys some tiny inconsequential bit of Volvo junk to keep the old tub running. So far, I think I'm nearly up to $2 in ad revenue!

Anyway, thank you for stopping by, even though there's nothing new to read, and feel free to leave comments or drop me a line if you have a question or something to say.

Eyebrows?

Well, that's what they call 'em.

Silly Europeans.

Of course, it's much sillier for someone with a moron project to actually order these things, because they are nothing more than incredibly expensive chrome-plated plastic trim bits on top of the headlights. See, my new, sleek (still sitting in the box) European glass headlights that I bought on Ebay from FCP Groton are slightly different in size from the cloudy US spec plastic lens headlights I have on my car now. Why? Who knows. But the result is that the small bit of chrome-plated plastic trim over the top of my existing headlights could not be reused on my spiffy new lights. And the spiffy new lights can't be installed without the trim pieces in place. (At least not without them looking REALLY goofy.)

So, I had to order some. From Holland. The parts themselves were 'spensive, but not nearly so much as the shipping. Yet another part that's worth more than the whole car!

Anyway, they FINALLY got here last night, so I want to give a big shout-out to my homie Sjef Spijkers at Scandcar in Moergestel for packing them up nice and securely, but I would like to encourage some bright young plastics artist to start knocking these things off--there are few things made of plastic that are worth quite this many guilders.

Will I get to put them in this weekend? Will I get to install my new old dashboard?

Probably not.

ANYway for your future reference if you want to order these, the part numbers for these little jewels are: right moulding headlight - 1312636 & left moulding headlight - 1312634. They are genuine Volvo parts and are around $39.10 apiece, depending on the exchange rate, and shipping was about $26.